Third Take Away: PRAISE

          The final takeaway from this knowledge packed class was how to properly motivate my children and how to praise their effort versus praising their actions.  One of the ways I was able to learn ways that can improve motivating my children was through reading through a section of a book titled “Between Parent and Child.”  In this section of the book it states, “Certain patterns of relating to children are almost always self-defeating; not only do they fail to attain our long-term goals, but they often create havoc at home here and now. The self-defeating patterns include threats, bribes, promises, sarcasm, verbal overkill, sermons on lying and stealing, and rude teaching of politeness.” (Ginott, Ginott, & Goddard, 2004)

          This book covers so many important patterns that can be used to help us achieve our long-term goals for parenting our children. For me, one of my goals is for my children to be self-motivated.  There were these videos shared in class that helped to understand that one of the ways to motivate your children is to praise their effort and not their actions.  The video can be found here.  This video helped me to understand how important it is to praise my children based on their efforts.  This graphic sums it up pretty well:

          Something that was helpful to learn from my teacher this week was this comment: "When giving descriptive praise, make sure you specifically identify or describe the behavior you have observed and point out the child's accomplishments. When giving appreciative praise, make sure you specifically identify how the child's behavior positively affects another."  These are such helpful ways to understand how to praise my children and how to point out how their behavior is positively impacting what they are doing.  

          I have learned so much from these past few weeks.  I have loved everything that has been taught and I know that it has helped me to become a better mother and a better parent to my children. 

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. New York: Random House.

Second take away: Emotional Coaching

          There were about two weeks this semester where we were able to talk about emotional coaching and expressing our own feelings as parents, to our children.  This is such an important thing to talk abut and understand how to do.  From my own personal experience, and growing up in a home where I had little to no emotional coaching, I can now see how and why it is so beneficial. 

One of the articles that we read in class discusses ways for respect to be earned and given.  This article was important to me and is one of the main takeaways from this course because it goes over the importance of teaching our children through our example and the way that we ourselves respect those around us.  In this article, one of the opening statements said, “Children raised with insecure parents grow up too soon, become preoccupied with consumer goods and peer acceptance, and focus their lives on frenetic activity outside the home. They know that their parents love them deeply and want to communicate sensitively with them, but they also know that their parents are unsure about what to require of them and how to say “no” to them.” (Doherty, 2013) This is literally me as a parent.  I grew up with parents who didn’t know how to help me through the things I was going through, so I over compensate by being insecure with my own children and sometimes being their friend versus being their mother.  The article continues to talk about how children are viewed as consumers and parents are viewed as providers of parental services.  We as parents are constantly trying to provide our children with the best opportunities, the newest gadgets, and the latest fashion trends.  We are worried about disappointing our children and try our best to not disappoint the “customer” (children). 

This is an important concept for me to understand and it spoke volumes to me.  I am overcompensating for the childhood that I had, and I am not being firm enough with my children.  When I do what my child demands, I am reinforcing their behavior, and there is no one to blame but myself.  For example, I think about the past couple of nights with my twin girls.  The girls have always had a bed time of 7:30 PM – 8:00 PM.  Depending on the day and the amount of nap time they had, they will either go to bed at the earliest, 7:30 or the latest, 8:00.  Recently, they both have been put into their beds and then about 15 minutes in, they begin crying and whining.  To make them stop crying and whining, we bring them out of their beds and let them run around for another 30-40 minutes.  This is reinforcing their bad behavior because it is teaching them that if they cry long enough, we will come and get them out of their beds at which point they can run around and do what they want.  I found an article that talks about reinforcing bad behavior.  In this article it says, “The child has learned that tantrum and defiance can remove a parent’s demands. The parent has learned that giving up can remove a child’s tantrum. Reinforcement has occurred for both of them without them knowing it. This is escape learning as they both learn to escape the unpleasant situation.” (Brian, 2020)

               I personally, would like to be the parent who can teach my child that when I say something, I mean it.  I also want to be the parent who walks their child through their feelings, (emotional coaching), and lets them have an opinion, but all within limits.  Going back to the example of bedtime.  My children are only 18 months.  They cannot express to me that they want to stay up later and they want to renegotiate bed time.  But if my child is supposed to be reading a book during play time, but takes my hand and drags me over to another toy, it is then that I understand that they have an opinion about how they would like to spend their play time.  Emotional coaching can be done at all ages, and it goes hand in hand with being an authoritative parent.  We can set clear boundaries, and still have the patience to listen to our children and hear their opinions.  I always want to validate my child’s feelings, make sure that they know their feelings are being validated, and then come to a solution to solve the problem. 

          The following two videos were shown during class and I thought they were extremely insightful and shed some light on the benefits of emotional coaching and how we can implement it in our own parenting.  I know from my own experience how important it is for my children to be heard, especially by me, their parent.  I also know how important it is for me to be their PARENT and not their friend.  It is a very thin line between the two, but the boundary must be made clear. 

Brain, A. P. F. (2020, May 15). Negative Reinforcement and Operant Conditioning. Retrieved from https://www.parentingforbrain.com/negative-reinforcement/

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Excellence & Ethics. The Smart & Good Schools Education Letter. Retrieved from http://www2.cortland.edu/dotAsset/fa7bc4b5-bbad-4e13-809f-c404fa13560e.pdf

First main takeaway: PARENTING STYLES

One of the most important things I took away from this course was learning how to have an AUTHORITATIVE parenting style.  This chart helps to see the four different levels of parenting and why they are important and how they vary from each other.  The same website where the chart below was found, also stated: “Authoritative parenting takes a lot of effort, but research shows that it pays off in terms of children growing up become happy and well-adjusted adults.” (Manscill, 2019)

I had the opportunity to think about my own upbringing and the ways that my own parents taught me and enforced rules.  My parents were more toward the authoritarian side of parenting.  I always felt that my parents held me to extremely high standards and when I didn’t meet those standards, I felt as though my parents were disappointed in me and I felt less than worthy of their love and praise.  This type of parenting hindered my self-confidence and my relationship with both my mom and dad. 

            I found an article that goes over the pros and cons of authoritative parenting.  It supports the same things listed in the above article.  “There's no doubt about it; children who grow up with authoritarian parents are often the most well-behaved kids in the room. That's because they know there will be "big trouble" if they step out of line. But there are some pros of authoritarian parenting that all parents should be mindful of.” (Perry & Perry, 2019).  This is how I felt growing up, and looking back in retrospect, this is exactly what happened with me and my 13 brothers and sisters.  We were a big family, so anywhere we went, we automatically drew attention to ourselves because there were so many of us.  My parents knew that traveling anywhere with a ton of kids was a lot of work, so they laid down the law at home before we even set foot outside of the house.  We were taught that we didn’t leave our parent’s side, and if we did, we needed to ask for permission first.  We were to only talk if someone was asking us a question, and to only do what we were told to do.  This happened often for us seeing as how my dad was in positions of leadership for our church and my mom was heavily involved in PTA programs.  We went everywhere together and we knew how to act, “or else.”  We were afraid of our parents if we acted out.  We were afraid of what would happen if we did something, we knew we shouldn’t have done.  Of course, we were extremely well behaved and well mannered, and we were often complimented for it, but I grew up hating family outings because they were such a bore and we had to be on our extra best behavior at all times. 

               This class allowed me the opportunity to study the different types of parenting and to draw applications and conclusions in my own life.  I have seen the outcomes that come from Authoritarian parenting.  I have seen the consequences that have played REAL LIFE effects in my own personal life.  I have siblings who, because of authoritarian parenting, have depression, siblings who have felt the need to rebel, siblings who show less social competence, and siblings who have escapist behaviors.  All of which are consequences, in part, due to authoritarian parenting.  (Manscill, 2019)

             

 Now taking what I know about how I was raised and the kind of parenting style I do NOT want to exercise, I educated myself on ways to become an authoritative parent.  “A parent with an authoritative style is demanding, but also is responsive.” (Manscill, 2019) I want to be the parent that has high expectations for my child, but also helps to guide my children and listens to their opinions.  I want to have a “let’s talk about” mentality because it is the only way for my child to know that I hear them, I see them, and I value their opinion over my own pride and need to be right.  I know my children are so little.  They are only 18 months old, but I am well aware that even at such a young age, they have feelings and wants and needs.  It is my job as a parent to guide them and to teach them.  In another article I found, it talks about the specific benefits that come from being an authoritative parent.  It says, “Authoritative parents give kids respect and listen (and expect kids to do the same) and encourage kids to be independent thinkers, but they do not give in to kids and expect cooperation and good behavior. When kids do something wrong, authoritative parents will discipline by talking with them about it, guiding and teaching their kids while modifying their expectations depending on the situation and a child's individual needs.” (Lee, 2020) This is what I want for my children.  This is what I want for ME, as a parent, and I know that I can achieve that by listening to my children and still holding them accountable.

Lee, K. (2020, May 1). Why Being an Authoritative Parent Is the Best Approach. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/are-you-an-authoritative-parent-why-this-is-the-best-approach-3964005

Manscill, D. (2019, April 1). Parenting Styles – Which Style Do You Use? Retrieved from https://www.parentingathome.com/2019/03/25/four-parenting-styles-which-style-you-use/

Perry, C., & Perry, C. (2019, December 6). Authoritarian Parenting: The Pros and Cons, According to a Child Psychologist. Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/authoritarian-parenting-the-pros-and-cons-according-to-a-child-psychologist/

It is not their fault

As a mother this week, I had some moments in my life where my mind went back to the things I am learning in this class and tried to apply the principles I am learning.  I had a moment this week with my twins where I had to step back and not judge my child's character, but rather, their behavior. I really enjoyed a quote from this week's reading that said, "There is a big difference, though, between feeling angry at someone and letting that person have it. I'm sure you've been in plenty of situations where what you really wanted to do was scream, swear, or slap someone-but you didn't. So you know that you can control your anger when you must. (If you can't, you need to learn how. Uncontrollable anger may be entertaining to watch in a movie, but in real life, it's not a winning trait.) Control your anger when you are disciplining your child. Make yourself do it."

My girls are only 18 months.  They don't purposely try and make my life had and complicated.  They do not understand how to communicate what they are feeling or what they want, but they do try.  It is not their fault that I cannot control my own anger as an adult.  It is not their fault, they are only babies and they are learning.  This week I found myself making a conscious effort to tell myself IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.  It is frustrating when they continue to throw their food on the floor or whine and cry, but they know very few words and they have a very hard time letting me know what they want, but that is in now way, their fault.  

I really enjoyed the reading this week and the videos we learned and studied.  As a parent, I hope to do better for my children so that they always feel that it is ok to come to me with anything that they need.

Gender Based Parenting

WHEW. This week has been a whirlwind of learning and reading.  So many thoughts have come to mind this week as we learned about the importance of interacting with your child and raising them based on individuals instead of raising them as boys or girls.  There was a video shared this week in class that I felt I wanted to share here on the blog, as we grow and learn together!

This baby has been with her mom since the day she was born.  She feels the emotions her mom feels and she reacts the way she thinks would be pleasing to her mom.  As the mom conducts the experiment by not reacting to the baby, my own heart broke.  I could see the confusion on her baby's face and I could see that the baby was trying all she could to regain the reaction of her mother.

This made me think of my own life and the things that my children do to try and get my approval and in a sense my love.  It made me think of the way my parents react to me and what I do to gain their approval and love.  

This week was such a good week for me to understand the way my children are developing and how I can better parent them.  I don't want my children to fear me or to do what I am telling them to do because they are scared of me.  I want to raise my children to be independent thinkers and I want to react to their decisions in a way that will benefit them and not discourage them.

Stay tuned for next week as we continue to LEARN AS WE GROW. 

-me