Second take away: Emotional Coaching

          There were about two weeks this semester where we were able to talk about emotional coaching and expressing our own feelings as parents, to our children.  This is such an important thing to talk abut and understand how to do.  From my own personal experience, and growing up in a home where I had little to no emotional coaching, I can now see how and why it is so beneficial. 

One of the articles that we read in class discusses ways for respect to be earned and given.  This article was important to me and is one of the main takeaways from this course because it goes over the importance of teaching our children through our example and the way that we ourselves respect those around us.  In this article, one of the opening statements said, “Children raised with insecure parents grow up too soon, become preoccupied with consumer goods and peer acceptance, and focus their lives on frenetic activity outside the home. They know that their parents love them deeply and want to communicate sensitively with them, but they also know that their parents are unsure about what to require of them and how to say “no” to them.” (Doherty, 2013) This is literally me as a parent.  I grew up with parents who didn’t know how to help me through the things I was going through, so I over compensate by being insecure with my own children and sometimes being their friend versus being their mother.  The article continues to talk about how children are viewed as consumers and parents are viewed as providers of parental services.  We as parents are constantly trying to provide our children with the best opportunities, the newest gadgets, and the latest fashion trends.  We are worried about disappointing our children and try our best to not disappoint the “customer” (children). 

This is an important concept for me to understand and it spoke volumes to me.  I am overcompensating for the childhood that I had, and I am not being firm enough with my children.  When I do what my child demands, I am reinforcing their behavior, and there is no one to blame but myself.  For example, I think about the past couple of nights with my twin girls.  The girls have always had a bed time of 7:30 PM – 8:00 PM.  Depending on the day and the amount of nap time they had, they will either go to bed at the earliest, 7:30 or the latest, 8:00.  Recently, they both have been put into their beds and then about 15 minutes in, they begin crying and whining.  To make them stop crying and whining, we bring them out of their beds and let them run around for another 30-40 minutes.  This is reinforcing their bad behavior because it is teaching them that if they cry long enough, we will come and get them out of their beds at which point they can run around and do what they want.  I found an article that talks about reinforcing bad behavior.  In this article it says, “The child has learned that tantrum and defiance can remove a parent’s demands. The parent has learned that giving up can remove a child’s tantrum. Reinforcement has occurred for both of them without them knowing it. This is escape learning as they both learn to escape the unpleasant situation.” (Brian, 2020)

               I personally, would like to be the parent who can teach my child that when I say something, I mean it.  I also want to be the parent who walks their child through their feelings, (emotional coaching), and lets them have an opinion, but all within limits.  Going back to the example of bedtime.  My children are only 18 months.  They cannot express to me that they want to stay up later and they want to renegotiate bed time.  But if my child is supposed to be reading a book during play time, but takes my hand and drags me over to another toy, it is then that I understand that they have an opinion about how they would like to spend their play time.  Emotional coaching can be done at all ages, and it goes hand in hand with being an authoritative parent.  We can set clear boundaries, and still have the patience to listen to our children and hear their opinions.  I always want to validate my child’s feelings, make sure that they know their feelings are being validated, and then come to a solution to solve the problem. 

          The following two videos were shown during class and I thought they were extremely insightful and shed some light on the benefits of emotional coaching and how we can implement it in our own parenting.  I know from my own experience how important it is for my children to be heard, especially by me, their parent.  I also know how important it is for me to be their PARENT and not their friend.  It is a very thin line between the two, but the boundary must be made clear. 

Brain, A. P. F. (2020, May 15). Negative Reinforcement and Operant Conditioning. Retrieved from https://www.parentingforbrain.com/negative-reinforcement/

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Excellence & Ethics. The Smart & Good Schools Education Letter. Retrieved from http://www2.cortland.edu/dotAsset/fa7bc4b5-bbad-4e13-809f-c404fa13560e.pdf